The Bear
by PhantomSiren
Summary: Really Funny! Based on a Russian play. E/C, but a different C. (dun, dun, dun) PG for, like, two bad words. PLEEEEEEEASE REVIEW!!! Please, please please!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own POTO or "The Bear". I just pretend I do.  
  
PS: Okay, this is a comic play by Anton Pavlovich Chekhov. Obviously it's Russian, but it's a great play. Besides, I have nothing left to do in Keyboarding class.  
  
Characters:  
  
Carlotta Giudicelli Piangi-a landowning widow with dimples (surprise!)  
  
Erik Mulheim-a middle-aged landowner  
  
Joseph Buquet-Carlotta's aged footman  
  
RANDOM AUTHOR: Why isn't Christine the widow? This IS a romance, isn't it?  
  
PS: Yeeeeeesss. But, let's face it. She doesn't have a lot of spunk.  
  
*Raoul enters*  
  
RAOUL: Do not speak of my fiancé so!  
  
PS: Get lost Raoul. You're not even in this fic.  
  
RAOUL: *surprised* Oh. *leaves*  
  
PS: Any who, I love Christine to pieces, really. But there are just some things she would NEVER do. And some of those things happen in the play. Carlotta, on the other hand, would. So, please don't kill me. *sweet smile*  
  
*Erik enters*  
  
ERIK: Wait a minute! Are you telling me that I'm supposed to play opposite that... that... that TOAD?!?!?  
  
*Carlotta enters*  
  
CARLOTTA: Zees eez an outrage! I will not play a buffoon een a comedy!  
  
PS: *long suffering sigh* *to Carlotta* You're not playing a buffoon. *to Erik* You ARE playing opposite her. *to both* And NEITHER of you are getting out of it. Now, without further ado... THE BEAR!  
  
CARLOTTA: *shrieks* A BEAR?!?!?! WHERE?!?!  
  
PS: ...  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
A/N: So, what do you think? Please don't hurt me!!! *hides behind computer* 


	2. The Story Begins

Disclaimer: See Default Chapter.  
  
The Bear  
  
Scene: A drawing room in CARLOTTA'S house.  
  
CARLOTTA is in deep mourning and has her eyes fixed on a photograph. BUQUET is haranguing her.  
BUQUET: It isn't right, Senora... You're just destroying yourself. The maid and the cook have gone off fruit picking; every living being is rejoicing. Even the cat understands how to enjoy herself and walks about in the yard catching birds. Only you sit in this room all day, as if this was a convent, and don't take any pleasure. Yes, really! I reckon it's a whole year that you haven't left this house!  
  
CARLOTTA: *dramatically* I shall never go out... Why should I? My life eez already at an end. He eez een heez grave, and I have---  
  
PS: Hold it!  
  
BUQUET and CARLOTTA freeze.  
  
PS: Carlotta, you've got to lose the accent. No one can understand a word you're saying.  
  
CARLOTTA: *confused* But zees eez how I talk.  
  
PS: *grumbles* Fine. But if I can't understand you later, the accent goes. I'll bring in the understudy!  
  
PS leaves.  
  
CARLOTTA: Where was I?  
  
PS: *offstage* He is in his grave!  
  
CARLOTTA: Oh, yes. *continues dramatically* He eez een heez grave, and I have buried myself between four walls... We are both dead. *blinks in confusion* But I am alive. How can I be dead eef I am alive?  
  
PS: IT'S A METAPHOR!!!!  
  
CARLOTTA: Oh.  
  
BUQUET: Well, there you are! Ubaldo Piangi is dead...  
  
CARLOTTA: *sniffles*  
  
BUQUET: *continues* It's the will of God, and may his soul rest in peace... You've mourned him---and quite right--- but you can't go on weeping and wearing mourning forever. My old woman died too, when her time came. Well? I grieved for her, I wept for a month, and that's enough for her. But if I've got to weep for a whole age... Well, the old woman wasn't worth it. *sighs* You've forgotten all your neighbors. You don't go anywhere, and you see nobody. We live, so to speak, like spiders, and never see the light. The mice have eaten my livery. It isn't as if there were no good people around, for the district's full of them. There's a regiment quartered at Riblov, and the officers are such beauties---you can never gaze your fill at them. And, every Friday, there's a ball at the camp, and every day the soldier's band plays... Eh, my lady! You're young and beautiful, with roses in your cheeks--- if you only took a little pleasure. Beauty won't last long, you know. In ten years' time you'll want to be a pea-hen yourself among the officer's, but they won't look at you. It will be too late.  
  
CARLOTTA: *with determination* I must ask you never to talk to me about eet! You know that when Ubaldo Piangi died, life lost all eet's meaning for me. I vowed never, to the end of my days, to cease to wear mourning, or to see the light... You hear? Let his ghost see how well I love heem... Yes, I know eet's no secret to you that he was often unfair to me, cruel and...and even unfaithful, but I shall be true till death, and show heem how I can love. There, beyond the grave, he will see me as I was before heez death...  
  
BUQUET: Instead of talking like that you ought to go and have a walk in the garden, or else order Caesar or Giant to be harnessed, and then drive out to see some of the neighbors.  
  
CARLOTTA: Oh! *weeps*  
  
BUQUET: Senora! Dear Senora! What is it? Bless you!  
  
CARLOTTA: *stops crying* I did not sneeze.  
  
PS: JUST FOLLOW THE SCRIPT!!!!!  
  
CARLOTTA: *sniffs regally at PS, then continues weeping* He was so fond of Caesar! He always used to ride on heem to the Daae's and Chagny's.  
  
RAOUL: *offstage* I thought I wasn't in this.  
  
PS: You're not. *loud clang and sound of a comatose body falling to the ground*  
  
CARLOTTA: *never missing a beat* How well he could ride! What grace there was een heez figure when he pulled at the reins with all heez strength! Do you remember? Caesar, Caesar! Tell them to give heem an extra feed of oats.  
  
BUQUET: *sighing in defeat* Yes, Senora.  
  
A bell rings noisily.  
  
CARLOTTA: *shaking* Who eez that? Tell them that I receive nobody.  
  
BUQUET: Yes, Senora. *exit*  
  
CARLOTTA: *looking at photograph* You will see, Ubaldo, how I can give love and forgive... My love will die out with me, only when this poor heart will cease to beat. *laughs through her tears* And aren't you ashamed? I am a good and virtuous little wife. I've locked myself een, and will be true to you till the grave, and you... aren't you ashamed, you bad child? You deceived me, had rows with me, left me alone for weeks on end...  
  
BUQUET enters in consternation  
  
BUQUET: Senora, somebody is asking for you. He wants to see you...  
  
CARLOTTA: But didn't you tell heem that since the death of my husband I've stopped receiving?  
  
BUQUET: I did, but he wouldn't even listen; says it's a very pressing affair.  
  
CARLOTTA: I do not re-cieve!  
  
BUQUET: I told him so, but the... the devil... curses and pushes himself right in... He's in the dining room now.  
  
CARLOTTA: *annoyed* Very well, ask heem een... What manners! *exit BUQUET* How these people annoy me! What does he want of me? Why should he disturb my peace? *sighs* No, I see that I shall have to go een-to a convent after all. *thoughtfully* Yes, een-to a convent...  
  
= = = = = = = = =  
  
A/N: I made it short for those of you that want to see what's going on. This will only be about three chapters, and the last will be the longest.  
  
A/N 2: Carlotta translation --- heem= him heez= his eet= it eez= is eef= if een= in  
  
A/N 3: Let me know if I should just drop the "Carlota Accent" writing. 


	3. Enter Erik

A/N: YEAH!!! REVIEWS!!! I CAN CONTINUE!!!  
  
Disclaimer: See first two chapters.  
  
The Bear (continued...)  
  
Backstage  
  
ERIK looks down at his clothes, and then back to PS.  
  
ERIK: Do I HAVE to wear this stuff?  
  
PS: *adjusting his jacket (and getting to be close to him)* Yes, you do. *can't say more, already bordering on fainting from closeness to phantom*  
  
ERIK: *plaintively* Couldn't I just wear my evening clothes?  
  
PS: *stepping back and grinning* No.  
  
ERIK: Why not?  
  
PS: 'Cause it doesn't go with the story.  
  
ERIK: *grumbles* Fine.  
  
PS: Onstage!  
  
* * * * *  
  
Scene: Still CARLOTTA'S drawing room  
  
Enter BUQUET with ERIK, who is wearing dusty riding breeches, straw covered waistcoat, casual white shirt opened at neck *faints*, and, of course, his mask.  
  
ERIK: *to BUQUET* You fool, you're too fond of talking... Ass!  
  
*A/N: Umm...*  
  
ERIK: *sees CARLOTTA and speaks with respect* Senora, I have the honor to present myself. I am Erik Mulheim, landowner and retired lieutenant of artillery. *pauses* Really?  
  
PS: Don't you start!  
  
ERIK: *glares offstage, and then continues to CARLOTTA* I am compelled to disturb you on a very pressing affair.  
  
CARLOTTA: *not offering her hand* What do you want?  
  
ERIK: *bristling at her rudeness* Your late husband, with whom I had the honor of being acquainted, died in my debt for one thousand two hundred francs on two bills of exchange. As I've got to pay the interest on a mortgage tomorrow, I've come to ask you, Senora, to pay me the money today.  
  
CARLOTTA: *surprised* One thousand two hundred... And what was my husband een debt to you for?  
  
ERIK: He used to buy notes from me.  
  
PS: *storming out onto the stage* Not NOTES! OATS! He used to buy OATS!!!  
  
ERIK: Didn't he get a note from me?  
  
CARLOTTA: No, that was me. *pouts, still upset about that note*  
  
ERIK: *shrugs* Okay, he used to buy his oats from me.  
  
PS: *leaving the stage* Good. Now don't do that again, or else! *holds pen and notebook up menacingly and leaves*  
  
CARLOTTA: *sighing to BUQUET* Don't you forget, Joseph, to give Caesar an extra feed of oats. *BUQUET exits* Eef Ubaldo Piangi died een debt to you, then I shall certainly pay you, but you must excuse me today, as I haven't any spare cash. The day after tomorrow my steward will be back from town, and I'll give heem instructions to settle your account. But at the moment I cannot do as you wish... *continues dramatically* Moreover, eet's exactly seven months today since the death of my husband, and I'm een a state of mind which absolutely prevents me from giving money matters my attention.  
  
ERIK: And I'M in a state of mind which, if I don't pay the interest due tomorrow, will force me to make a graceful exit from this life feet first. They'll take my estate!  
  
CARLOTTA: You'll have your money the day after tomorrow.  
  
ERIK: I don't want the money the day after tomorrow. I want it today!  
  
CARLOTTA: You must excuse me, I can't pay you.  
  
ERIK: And I can't wait till after tomorrow.  
  
CARLOTTA: *getting annoyed* Well, what can I do, eef I haven't the money now?  
  
ERIK: You mean to say you can't pay me?  
  
(A/N: He catches on quick)  
  
CARLOTTA: I can't.  
  
ERIK: Hm! Is that your final answer?  
  
CARLOTTA: Yes, my final answer.  
  
ERIK: Your final answer? Absolutely your last?  
  
CARLOTTA: Absolutely.  
  
ERIK: *sarcastically* Thank you so much. I'll make a note of it. *shrugs* And then people want me to keep calm! I meet a man on the road, and he asks me "Why are you always so angry, Erik Mulheim?" But how on earth am I not to get angry? I need the money desperately. I rode out yesterday, early in the morning, and called on all my debtors, and not a single one of them paid up! I was just about dead-beat after it all, slept goodness knows where in some inn kept by a Jew with a vodka barrel by my head. At last I get here, seventy miles from home, hoping to get something, and I am received by you with a "state of mind"! How shouldn't I get angry?  
  
CARLOTTA: I thought I distinctly said my steward will pay you when he returns from town.  
  
ERIK: I didn't come to your steward. I came to you! What the devil, excuse my saying so, have I to do with your steward?!  
  
CARLOTTA: Excuse me, sir; I am not accustomed to listen to such expressions or to such a tone of voice. I want to hear no more.  
  
CARLOTTA exits.  
  
ERIK: Well, there! *mimicking CARLOTTA* "A state of mind"... "Husband died seven months ago!" *to absent CARLOTTA* Must I pay my interest or mustn't I? I ask you: Must I pay, or must I not? Suppose your husband is dead, and you've got a state of mind, and nonsense of that sort... And your steward's gone away somewhere, devil take him. What do you want me to do? Do you think I can fly away from my creditors in a balloon, or what? Or do you expect me to go and run my head onto a brick wall? I go to Nadir and he isn't at home, Firmin has hidden himself, ,I had a violent row with Andre and nearly threw him out of the window, Giry has something the matter with her bowels...  
  
(A/N: TMI. Too Much Info)  
  
ERIK: ... and this woman has a "state of mind". Not one of the swine wants to pay me! Just because I'm too gentle with them! Well, just you wait! You'll find out what I'm like! I shan't let you play about with me, confound it! I shall jolly well stay here until he pays! Brr!......... How angry I am today, how angry I am! All my inside is quivering with anger, and I can't even breathe... Foo, my word, I even feel sick! *yells* Waiter!  
  
BUQUET enters  
  
BUQUET: This isn't a restaurant. There aren't any waiters! You must have messed up again.  
  
PS enters.  
  
PS: *flips through the script* Nope, he didn't. But YOU did! *hits BUQUET with script* CONTINUE!! *leaves*  
  
BUQUET: *rubs his head* Okay. Um... *turns to ERIK* What is it?  
  
ERIK: Get me some vodka or water! *exit BUQUET* What a way to reason! A man in desperate need of his money, and she won't pay it because, you see, she is not disposed to attend to money matters! ... That's real silly feminine logic. That's why I never did like, and don't like now, to have to talk to women. I'd rather sit on a barrel of gunpowder than talk to a woman. Brr!......... I feel quite chilly---and it's all on account of that little bit of fluff! I can't even see on of these poetic creatures from a distance without breaking into a cold sweat out of sheer anger. I can't look at hem.  
  
Enter BUQUET with water  
  
BUQUET: Senora is ill and will see nobody.  
  
ERIK: Get out! *exit BUQUET* Ill and will see nobody! No, it's all right, you don't see me... I'm going to stay and will sit here till you give me the money. You can be ill for a week, if you like, and I'll stay a week... If you're ill for a year--- I'll stay for a year. I'm going to get my own, my dear! You don't get at me with your widow's weeds and your dimpled cheeks! I know those dimples! *shouts out the window* Simeon, take them out! We aren't going away at once! I'm staying here! Tell them in the stable to give the horses some oats! You fool, you've let the horse's leg get tied up in the reins again! *mimicking* "Never mind..." I'll give it you. "Never mind". *goes away from window* Oh, it's bad... The heat's frightful, nobody pays up. I slept badly, and on top of everything else here's a bit of fluff in mourning with a "state of mind"... My head's aching... Shall I have some vodka? Yes, I think I will. *yells* Waiter!  
  
BUQUET enters.  
  
BUQUET: *grumbling something about restaurants* What is it?  
  
ERIK: A glass of vodka! *exit BUQUET* Oaf! *sits and inspects himself* I must say I look well! Dust all over, boots dirty, unwashed, unkempt, straw on my waistcoat... The dear lady may well have taken me for a brigand. *yawns* It's rather impolite to come into a drawing room in this state, but it can't be helped... I am not here as a visitor, but as a creditor, and there's no dress specially prescribed for creditors...  
  
Enter BUQUET with vodka.  
  
BUQUET: You allow yourself to go very far, sir...  
  
ERIK: *angrily* What?  
  
BUQUET: I... er... nothing... I really...  
  
ERIK: Who are you talking to? Shut up!  
  
BUQUET: *aside* The devil's come to stay... Bad luck brought him... *exit*  
  
ERIK: *the fragile thread of his temper fraying* Oh, how angry I am! So angry that I think I could grind the whole world to dust... I even feel sick... *yells* Waiter!  
  
=======================  
  
A/N: Ah, Buquet is ever superstitious. And Erik is about to lose his temper. I wonder who will make him snap?......... 


	4. Continuation and the End

Disclaimer: See first three chapters.  
  
The Bear  
  
Scene: Still CARLOTTA's drawing room.  
  
Enter CARLOTTA.  
  
CARLOTTA: *her eyes downcast* Sir, een my solitude I have grown unaccustomed to the masculine voice, and I can't stand shouting. I must ask you not to disturb my peace.  
  
ERIK: Pay me the money and I'll go.  
  
CARLOTTA: I told you perfectly plainly; I haven't any money to spare. Wait until the day after tomorrow.  
  
ERIK: And I told you perfectly plainly I don't want the money the day after tomorrow, but today. If you don't pay me today, I'll have to hang myself tomorrow. And I have the noose right here. *pulls out PUNJAB LASSO*  
  
A script flies out and hits ERIK upside the head.  
  
PS: SCRIPT!! STICK TO IT!!!  
  
CARLOTTA: *continuing* But what can I do eef I haven't got the money? You're so strange!  
  
ERIK: Then you won't pay me now, eh?  
  
CARLOTTA: I can't.  
  
ERIK: In that case I stay here and shall wait until I get it. *sits down* You're going to pay me the day after tomorrow? Very well! I'll stay here until after tomorrow. I'll sit here all the time... *jumps up* I ask you: Have I got to pay the interest tomorrow, or haven't I? Or do you think I'm doing this for a joke?  
  
CARLOTTA: Please don't shout! This eez not a stable!  
  
ERIK: I wasn't asking you about a stable, but whether I'd got my interest to pay tomorrow or not?  
  
CARLOTTA: You do not know how to behave before women!  
  
ERIK: I do know how to behave before women!  
  
CARLOTTA: No, you don't!  
  
ERIK: Yes, I do!  
  
CARLOTTA: No, you don't!  
  
ERIK: Yes, I do!  
  
Backstage...  
  
RANDOM PHAN: *studying script* Aren't you going to stop them? This isn't in the script.  
  
PS: No way. This is WAY too much fun to watch.  
  
Onstage...  
  
CARLOTTA: No, you don't!  
  
ERIK: Yes, I do!  
  
CARLOTTA: This eez ridiculous! You are a rude, ill-bred man! Decent people don't talk to women like that!  
  
ERIK: What a business! How do you want me to talk? In French? *losing his temper* Madame, je vous prie... How happy I am that you don't pay me... Ah, pardon. I have disturbed you! Such lovely weather today! And how well you look in mourning! *bows*  
  
CARLOTTA: That's silly and rude.  
  
ERIK: *teasing her* Silly and rude! I don't know haw to behave before women! Senora, in my time I've seen more women than you've seen sparrows! Three times I've fought duels over women. I've refused twelve women...  
  
CARLOTTA: Really?  
  
ERIK: Phans. *continuing* And nine have refused me.  
  
CARLOTTA: Which ones?  
  
ERIK: Raoul fans... *murmurs* ...and Christine. *continuing again* Yes, there was a time when I played the fool, scented myself...  
  
CARLOTTA: *snickers*  
  
ERIK: ...used honeyed words...  
  
CARLOTTA: *giggles*  
  
ERIK: ...wore jewelry...  
  
CARLOTTA: *snorts*  
  
ERIK: ...made beautiful bows. I used to love, to suffer, to sigh at the moon, to get sour, to thaw, to freeze... to love passionately, madly, every blessed way, devil take me; I used to chatter like a magpie about emancipation, and wasted half my wealth on tender feelings. But now--- you must excuse me! You won't get around me like that now! I've had enough! Black eyes, passionate eyes, ruby lips, dimpled cheeks, the moon, whispers, timid breathing--- I wouldn't give a brass farthing for the lot, senora! Present company always excepted, all women, great or little, are insincere, crooked, backbiters, envious, liars to the marrow of their bones, vain, trivial, merciless, unreasonable, and as far as this is concerned *taps forehead* excuse my outspokenness, a sparrow is smarter than any philosopher in petticoats you'd like to name! You look at one of these poetic creatures: all muslin, an ethereal demi-goddess, you have a million transports of joy, and you look in her soul--- and see a common crocodile! *grips back of a chair; the chair creaks and breaks* But the most disgusting thing of all is that this crocodile for some reason or other imagines that its chef d'oeuvre, its privilege and monopoly, is its tender feelings. *throws broken piece of chair down in frustration* Why, confound it, hang me on that nail feet upwards if you like, but have you met a woman who can love anybody except a lapdog?! When she's in love, can she do anything but snivel and slobber? While a man is suffering and making sacrifices , all her love expresses itself in her playing about with her scarf and trying to hook him more firmly by the nose. You have the misfortune to be a woman; you know from yourself what is the nature of woman. Tell me truthfully, have you ever seen a woman who was sincere, faithful, and constant? You haven't! Only freaks and old woman are faithful and constant! You'll meet a cat with a horn or a white woodcock sooner than a constant woman!  
  
CARLOTTA: Then, according to you, who eez faithful and constant een love? Eez eet the man?  
  
ERIK: Yes, the man!  
  
CARLOTTA: The man! *laughs bitterly* Men are faithful and constant een love! What an idea! *with heat* What right have you to talk like that? Men are faithful and constant! Since we are talking about eet, I'll tell you that of all the men I knew and know, the best was my late husband... I loved heem passionately, with all my being, as only a young and imaginative woman can love. I gave heem my youth, my happiness, my life, my fortune. I breathed een heem, worshipped heem as eef I were a heathen, and... and what then? The best of men shamelessly deceived me at every step! After his death I found een his desk a whole drawer full of love-letters, and when he was alive---eet's an awful thing to remember--- he used to leave me alone for weeks at a time and make love to other women and betray me before my very eyes. He wasted my money and made fun of my feelings... And een spite of all that, I loved heem and was true to heem. And not only that, but now that he eez dead, I am still true and constant to his memory. I have shut myself away forever within these four walls and will wear these weeds to the very end...  
  
ERIK: *laughs contemptuously* Weeds!......... I don't understand what you take me for. As if I don't know why you wear that black domino and bury yourself between four walls! I should say I do! It's so mysterious, so poetic! When some tame poet goes past your windows he'll think: "There lives the mysterious Carlotta who, for the love of her husband, buried herself between for walls." We know these games!  
  
CARLOTTA: *exploding* What?! How dare you say all that to me?  
  
ERIK: You may have buried yourself alive, but you haven't forgotten to powder your face!  
  
PS: Anyone know how this got from business to personal?  
  
ERIK & CARLOTTA: *to PS* QUIET!!!  
  
PS: *meekly* Okay.  
  
CARLOTTA: *to ERIK* How dare you speak to me like that?  
  
ERIK: Please don't shout! I'm not your steward! You must allow me to call things by their real names. I'm not a woman, and I'm used to saying things straight out! Don't you shout, either!  
  
CARLOTTA: *shouting* I'm not shouting! Eet's you! Please leave me alone!  
  
ERIK: Pay me and I'll go.  
  
PS: Here we go.  
  
CARLOTTA: I shan't give you any money!  
  
ERIK: Oh, you won't?  
  
CARLOTTA: I shan't give you a farthing, just to spite you. You leave me alone!  
  
ERIK: I have not the pleasure of being either your husband or your fiancé, so please don't make scenes. *sits* I don't like it.  
  
CARLOTTA: *choking with rage* So you sit down?!  
  
ERIK: I do.  
  
CARLOTTA: I ask you to go away!  
  
ERIK: Give me my money... Ah, crap! *aside* Oh, how angry I am. How angry I am!  
  
CARLOTTA: I don't want to talk to impudent scoundrels! Get out of here! *pause* Aren't you going? No?  
  
ERIK: No.  
  
CARLOTTA: No?  
  
ERIK: *roars* NO!!  
  
CARLOTTA: Very well then! *rings a bell, enter BUQUET* Joseph, show this gentleman out!  
  
BUQUET: *approaches ERIK* Would you mind going out, monsieur, as you're asked to! You needn't...  
  
ERIK: *jumps up* Shut up! Who are you talking to? I'll chop you into pieces!  
  
BUQUET: *clutches at his heart* Oh, Lord!......... What people!......... *falls into a chair* Oh, I'm ill, I'm ill! I can't breathe!  
  
CARLOTTA: Where's Dasha? *shouts* Dasha! Pelageya! Dasha! *rings bell*  
  
BUQUET: Oh! They've all gone out to pick fruit... There's nobody at home! I'm ill! Water!  
  
CARLOTTA: Get out, now.  
  
ERIK: Can't you be more polite?  
  
CARLOTTA: *clenches her fists and stamps her foot* You're a boor! A coarse bear! A Bourbon! A monster!  
  
ERIK: What? What did you say?  
  
CARLOTTA: I said you are a bear, a monster!  
  
ERIK: *approaching her* May I ask what right you have to insult me?  
  
CARLOTTA: And I suppose I am insulting you? Do you think I am afraid of you?  
  
ERIK: And do you think that just because you're a poetic creature you can insult me with impunity? We'll fight it out!  
  
BUQUET: Dear Lord!......... What people!.........Water!  
  
ERIK: Pistols at dawn!  
  
CARLOTTA: Do you think I am afraid of you just because you have large fists and a bull's throat? You Bourbon!  
  
ERIK: We'll fight it out! I'm not going to be insulted by anybody, and I don't care if you are a woman! One of the "softer sex", indeed!  
  
CARLOTTA: *trying to interrupt him* Bear! Bear, bear, bear!  
  
ERIK: It's about time we got rid of the prejudice that only men need pay for their insults. Devil take it, if you want equality you can have it! I challenge you, Madame! We're going to fight it out!  
  
CARLOTTA: With pistols? Very well!  
  
ERIK: This very minute!  
  
CARLOTTA: This very minute! My husband had some pistols... I'll bring them here. *is going, but turns back* What pleasure it will give me to put a bullet een-to your thick head, Devil take you! *exits*  
  
ERIK: I'll bring her down like a chicken! I'm not some little boy or a sentimental puppy; I don't care about this "softer sex".  
  
BUQUET: Gracious sir... *kneels* Have pity on a poor old man and go away from here! You've frightened her to death, and now you want to shoot her!  
  
ERIK: *not hearing him* Well that's equality of the sexes for you! I'll shoot her on principle! But what a woman! *parodying her* "Devil take you! I'll put a bullet een-to your thick head." Eyes flashing, accepts my challenge! I've never seen such a woman in my life!  
  
BUQUET: Go away, monsieur, and I'll say prayers for you every day of my life!  
  
ERIK: She is a woman! That's the sort I can understand! A real woman! Not a sour-faced jellybag, but fire, gunpowder, a rocket! Pity I have to kill her, really.  
  
BUQUET: *weeps* Dear... dear sir, do go away!  
  
ERIK: I absolutely like her! Absolutely! Never mind her dimples! I'm almost ready to let the debt go... and I'm not angry any longer... Wonderful woman!  
  
Enter CARLOTTA with pistols.  
  
CARLOTTA: Here are the pistols... But before we fight you must show me how to fire. I've never held a pistol een my hands before.  
  
BUQUET: Oh, Lord, have mercy and save her... I'll go and find the coachman and the gardener...Why has this infliction come on us...? *exit*  
  
ERIK: *examining pistols* You see, there are several sorts of pistols... There are Mortimer pistols, specially made for duels; they fire percussion- cap. These are Smith and Wesson revolvers, triple action with extractors... These are excellent pistols. They can't cost less than ninety francs a pair... You must hold the revolver like this... *aside* Her eyes, her eyes! What an inspiring woman!  
  
CARLOTTA: Like this?  
  
ERIK: Yes, like this... Then you take aim like this... Put your head back a little. Hold your arm out properly... Like that... Then you press this thing with your finger---and that's all. The thing is to keep cool and aim steadily... Try not to jerk your arm.  
  
CARLOTTA: Very well... Eet eez inconvenient to shoot een a room. Let's go een-to the garden.  
  
ERIK: Come along then. But I warn you, I'm going to fire into the air.  
  
CARLOTTA: Oh, that's the last straw! Why?  
  
ERIK: Because... because... It's my affair!  
  
CARLOTTA: Are you afraid? Yes? Ah! No, sir, you don't get out of eet! You come with me! I shan't have any peace until I've made a hole een your forehead... that forehead which I hate so much! Are you afraid?  
  
ERIK: Yes, I am afraid.  
  
CARLOTTA: You lie! Why won't you fight?  
  
ERIK: Because... because you... because I like you.  
  
CARLOTTA: *laughs* He likes me! He dares to say that he likes me! *points to the door* That's the way.  
  
ERIK: *loads revolver in silence and goes to the door. There he stops for half a minute while they look at each other in silence, then hesitantly approaches CARLOTTA* Listen... are you still angry? I'm devilishly annoyed, myself... but, do you understand... how can I explain this?... The fact is, you see... it's like this, so to speak... *shouts* Well, is it my fault that I like you?! *snatches the back of another chair; chair creaks and breaks* Damn fragile stuff, furniture! I like you! Do you understand? I... I almost love you.  
  
CARLOTTA: Get away from me---I loathe you!  
  
ERIK: God, what a woman! I've never in my life seen one like her! I'm lost! Done for! Fallen into a mousetrap, like a mouse! *drops revolver on seat of chair*  
  
CARLOTTA: Stand back or I'll fire!  
  
ERIK: Fire away! I'd die happily before those beautiful eyes, to be shot by a revolver held in that little, velvet hand... I'm out of my mind! Think, and make up your mind at once, because if I go out we shall never see each other again! Decide now... I am a landowner of respectable character, I have an income of twenty thousand a month. I can put a bullet through a coin tossed into the air as it comes down, and I keep a fine stable... Will you be my wife?  
  
CARLOTTA: *indignantly shakes her revolver* Let's fight! We'll shoot it out!  
  
ERIK: I'm mad... I understand nothing. *yells* Waiter, water!  
  
CARLOTTA: *yells* Let's shoot it out!  
  
ERIK: I'm off my head, in love like a schoolboy, like a fool! *snatches her hand; she screams with pain* I love you! *kneels* I love you as I've never loved before! I've refused twelve women, nine have refused me, but I never loved one of them as I love you... I'm weak, I'm wax, I've melted... on my knees like a fool, offering my hand... Shameful! I haven't been in love for five years, I'd taken a vow, and now all of a sudden I'm in love, like a fish out of water! I offer you my hand. Yes or no? You don't want me? Very well! *gets up and quickly goes to door*  
  
CARLOTTA: Stop!  
  
ERIK: *stops* Well?  
  
CARLOTTA: Nothing, go away... No, stop... No, go away, go away! I hate you! Or no... Don't go away! Oh, eef you only knew how angry I am! *throws revolver on the table* My fingers are numb because of that thing! *tears her handkerchief in temper* What are you waiting for? Get out!  
  
ERIK: Goodbye.  
  
CATLOTTA: Yes, yes, go away!... *yells* Where are you going?! Stop... No, go away! Oh, how angry I am! Don't come near me, don't come near me!  
  
ERIK: *approaching her* How angry I am with myself! I'm in love like a student, I've been on my knees... *rudely* I love you! What do I want to fall in love with you for? Tomorrow I've got to pay the interest and begin mowing, and here you... *embraces her*  
  
RANDOM PERSON: *worriedly* What's he doing?  
  
ERIK: I shall never forgive myself for this...  
  
CARLOTTA: Get away from me! Take your hands off me! I hate you! We'll shoot it out!!  
  
ERIK kisses her. CARLOTTA struggles, then starts kissing him back. Everyone gapes in disbelief.  
  
PS: SCORE!!!  
  
EVERYONE: *stares at her*  
  
PS: What? *goes back to watching the football game*  
  
Onstage...  
  
Enter BUQUET with an ax, the RAT CATCHER with a lantern (why, don't ask me), and various other workmen with various other weapons.  
  
BUQUET: *sees the couple kissing* Good Lord!  
  
CARLOTTA and ERIK jump apart.  
  
CARLOTTA: *lowering her eyes* Joseph, tell them in the stables... Caesar isn't to have any oats today.  
  
The End  
  
************************************************************************  
  
A/N: Like it? Hate it? Please REVIEW! On to the cast party! 


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